Lesson 1: How to Pick Up Chicks
by MightyMarauders
Summary: this is a one shot and it's really random, so just warnin' ya'. it will be a part of a bunch of stories that are the Marauders giving life lessons. please read and review! thanks!


Life Lessons with the Marauders: Lesson 1- Picking Up Chicks

James, Lily, and Sirius sat at the Potters table, starring at baby Harry blowing bubbles in their faces.

"That's my boy!" said James proudly.

"James, what's that?" Lily asked curiously.

"Ummmm… nothing?" James said flashing a disarming smile while tipping a potion into Harry's bottle. Little did he know, there was a hole in the vial so some of the liquid fell into his, Sirius's, and Lily's drinks.

"Cheers!" said Sirius throwing his glass into the air. Everyone tapped their glasses together and drained the contents quickly (including Harry because he's fricken awesome).

"Why did you just do that Sirius?" James asked.

"Ahhhhhhhhh!" Lily screamed. Harry's head seemed to enlarge in proportion and his body followed suit.

"Holy shit!" said the squeaky voice of baby Harry, "ahem, I mean, holy shit," he said deeper while unbuckling his high chair.

Lily sent James a death glare. '_Holy crap. It's like deja vu. I swear I've seen Lily like this before…but the last time I've seen her like this it was like…5 years ago. Now that I think of it, she looks like 5 years younger…maybe 4.' _

"What the hell have you done to my son? What the hell have you done to me? What the hell have you done to Sirius?" she said pointing at Black who had retrieved the closest pan and was winking at his reflection.

"Hey thanks Prongs!" Sirius thanked his friend, nodding appreciatively.

Lily's face turned from beat red to casual pale. "Your ignorance to MY rules in MY house has once again failed to aggravate me. What the hell did you do though?" she asked.

"Ummmm…first, don't hate me."

"Oh great, here it comes," she said rolling her eyes.

"Lily, I think you should be thankful that you look that way," Sirius said.

"What are you trying to imply?" Lily asked furiously.

"What? Oh…um-it's not like you didn't look hot before…"

"Excuse me?" James now enraged at his friend threateningly.

"A guy can't win here!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Excuse me? Aren't you forgetting someone here?" said Harry arrogantly.

"You…you can talk?" Sirius questioned.

"Well, I am 15 ya know," he said, "and way too big for a high chair."

"Oh right," James said trying to pry his 15-year-old son out of a baby seat. "You're 15, I'm 15, we're all 15!" he thought aloud.

"Well this is awkward" Lily stated a bit fazed by, ahem, 'James's hot bod'.

"Dude! Now we have a fifth marauder!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Fifth, I should only be the fourth. Peter shouldn't be a marauder anymore," Harry stated.

"Ummm, what?" Sirius asked.

Harry started to push his bangs away, but then thought against it. "Never mind," Harry said only showing the tip of his indentation.

"Wait! I saw a little bit of a scar," Lily said trying to get to Harry's forehead.

"It's a long story," Harry said jumping out of the way of Lily's hand like a snitch, "Just don't trust Pettigrew," he warned.

James disregarded it and nudged Sirius in the ribs with his elbow, "Dude! Now we can show my son how to pick up chicks like his old man"

"And his godfather!" Sirius added.

"Excuse me?" Lily raised her eyebrows.

"Oh right! I love you honey!" James said nudging and winking at Harry when Lily wasn't looking. James realized how much they looked alike. "My son" he hugged Harry and mouth lipped to Padfoot 'what do I do?'

Sirius shrugged like the idiot that he is. But he's hot, so that makes up for it. "I have an idea," he said smirking, "Why don't James and I take Harry here over to the Leaky Cauldron while you cool off here Lily?"

"Wow. Is that actually a smart idea you had?" Lily asked.

"Ha ha ha. Very funny."

* * *

The boys left and James kissed Lily goodbye on the cheek. They were walking down Diagon Alley (hey they did go to the Leaky Cauldron, they just left really quickly) when Sirius said, "If we were our real age, then this would be considered child molesting." Harry shuddered at the thought. 

Out of fricken nowhere, Lord Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy, Dumbledore, and Ollivander rushed up to the three marauders. "We've been trying to pick up chicks for months! Not one has looked our way," Voldemort explained.

"Look at my beard! I mean it was long before, but now I'm tripping over it!" Dumbledore yelled furiously while people started starring at him.

"No worries, the marauders are here to provide. Women ask for my semen all the time," Sirius reassured them.

James looked at him curiously, "Since when?"

"Shut up."

"The trick is to be cool." Then James all of a sudden broke out in song.

"Boy, boy, crazy boy,  
Get cool, boy!  
Got a rocket in your pocket,  
Keep coolly cool, boy!  
Don't get hot,  
'Cause man, you got  
Some high times ahead.  
Take it slow and Daddy-O,  
You can live it up and die in bed!

Boy, boy, crazy boy!  
Stay loose, boy!  
Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it.  
Turn off the juice, boy!  
Go man, go,  
But not like a yo-yo schoolboy.  
Just play it cool, boy,  
Real cool!"

"Curious, very curious," stated Ollivander.

"Wait till I tell my son about this!" Lucius exclaimed happily.

"Well, I do get a rush from prodding my wand if you get my gist," Voldemort said wiggling his non-existent eyebrows.

"That's what we're here for," Sirius started.

"Never say that again!" both Padfoot and Prongs ordered.

"Harry, are you alright?" James asked looking at Harry who was clutching his scar and his crotch.

"Yeah, just ducky," Harry choked out.

"WHY DO I ONLY GIVE MEN BONERS?" Voldemort yelled. Everyone looked at him, all the men with wide eyes holding their manly areas. "Sure you look now!" he yelled again. Then the group turned to Harry.

"I can't help my over-reactive, teenage penis!" he said.

"Yeah, we're gonna have to help you with that too," Sirius stated.

"Curious, very curious," stated Ollivander rubbing his chin.

"Are you… gay?" James asked him.

"I'm just curious, very curious," he said, defending himself.

"That's a bit… weird," Dumbledore said backing away.

"Anyway," James said after a long awkward silence, "watch and learn." He walked over to a person all in white, with a white cowboy hat on, whose back was facing towards him. "Heyya' pretty lady, wanna' do something tonight?"

The man turned around, "Frankly Mr. Potter, I don't give a damn," said Rhet Butler and walked away (A/N Everyone dies in that movie!).

"That was a …guy," James shuddered.

"It was a very pretty guy, with a pretty mustache," Sirius tried to comfort, patting James's back.

"Just get off," James said walking away.

Later…

"This is my pimp cane. Its name is Penelope," Malfoy said holding the aforementioned item.

"Spicy," Voldemort agreed.

"I use it with my wife in bed. She likes being whipped," he explained proudly.

"Can I borrow that sometime?" James whispered in his ear. Lucius nodded in agreement.

"Curious, very curious," Ollivander put in.

"Next, after the use of sexual and flirtatious talk, a woman likes to be touched," Sirius told them. All the men, excluding Ollivander turned wide-eyed and anxious.

Voldemort walked up to the nearest girl. She happened to be four years old, "You're looking very fly today, fo shizzle" and grabbed her butt. She started wailing for her mommy. "It never works! I'm the opposite side of a f'ing magnet!" Voldemort screamed.

"James, Sirius, …Harry? Ollivander! Had some fun last night. He he," said Remus who also came out of fricken nowhere.

"Curious, very curious," he said squeezing Moony's dick.

"Avada Ka f'ing devra" Voldemort yelled, pointing his wand in the air. Using the "f word" caused the spell to kill everyone, everywhere. All except Voldemort and Lily because she had a very expensive alarm system on her house while eating a "magical" McFlurry.

Moral of the Story: Never pick up chicks with a mass murderer and a gay guy who sells wangs…I mean wands.

Fin 

(P.S. Lily thought to herself, '_you know, people always asked me if Voldemort was the last man on the face of the earth, would you do him? And now my answer is yes. Many, many times. What can I say? Penelope turns me on' winks to her reflection in the closest pan available)_

* * *

hey this is sixpacksiri my friend prevans is watching me type this and i have a feeling that when she takes my keyboard, she'll write sumpin disgusting, unless it is really civilized... 

yo its prevans rock ur world! hehe. BANG ME JAMES! hehe. oh... if anyone cares...22 ppl die in the movie gone with the wind...

ok hun, that was random. this is really opposite of us. im usually the one who informs of the whole banging thing, w/e. so sirius is really hot when he is 15. heck he's hot at any age. id bang him when he was in azkaban.

it prevans...and id like to say that id bang his carcus...as for JIMMIEKINS! wooty...booty.

its sps. ok, that was...unnerving. the whole carcus thing. just kinda wrong. yeah. anyway, we're gonna have the readers read this, hence their job, so lets just say that we are both girls, and were both under age for mature teenagers, cuz man were SOOOOO immature. we just have ... disgusting minds that regular kids our age REALLY shouldn't have. yeah. were close to dirty, nvm, weve passed that point and got straight to i dont even know. anyways, prevs it riding up my arse, so this is my last good bye for this story, but read the next one which we were planning on writing tonight. its about sex. he he.

...way to bluntly put that ... anyways... hot guyz i love u... hehe. shut up sps u no if u died right now ud want me to bang UR carcus. ... not like i would... hehe well... POSHA... so my eyes hurt from stareing at the screen. read Lesson 2: how to sex ur way into a grade! luv yall... but mostly james sirius and remus... whom is not gay... we just thought it would be funny if he was with ollivander... CURIOUS VERY CURIOUS... love yall. and i like cake.


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